Summary: Check out my piece “How God Cares for Those Who Don’t” on desiring God.
I’m playing catch up with desiringGod.org blogs. On a personal note, life is extremely busy with school. Working at TEDS, writing for classes, and preparing my own class (!) is exciting. However (and this ties into the theme of this post), over the past 24 hours especially, but even over the past several months, I have been struck with a deep sense of purposelessness and meaninglessness about these things. Writing, studying, teaching, grading – yes, yes, it’s all about ministry and Scripture and the Lord Jesus Christ, but it doesn’t get me out of bed in the morning. Can I say that? Can I be honest? I’m in a spiritual slump.
This life – everything glorious and shining about my life (and there is a lot that has been graciously given to me, which I sure as hell do not deserve) – feels like a consolation prize at the end of every single day (point 4 in my blog, I suppose: entitled). I don’t know if that will ever change. Most of me thinks it never will. But there is one thing that could change it. There is one thing that makes me alert and kicks me out of the haze of apathy about my tasks, my job, my life. One thing. It kicked me out last night, for the first time in a long, long time. One person.
Anyway. This blog on apathy that I posted on desiring God a while ago highlights the suffering of apathy. It’s a twisting of the heart and mind into a knot that doesn’t feel, and can’t think its way out of not feeling. God can enter into that. He doesn’t always do it right away. That’s the worst part. Never knowing when we will wake up from a dullness that we hate.
I wrote this blog for myself, and I still need it. Perhaps now – perhaps today – more than ever.